I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I wish there were birth control emojis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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