u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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