chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
