connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he was CRYING into my vagina
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
