Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
