Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
