We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
