im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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