I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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