I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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