yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
