I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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