My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
