put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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