ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize