for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Threesome in a minivan. New low
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
How naked do you want me to be?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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