so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
