May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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