i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
