I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
