i think my tv is drunk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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