on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
