K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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