Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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