Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So vagazzling was a success
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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