I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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