3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
