she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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