Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
