What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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