you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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