dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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