I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
NoShamevember. You game?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
