dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
