woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
