I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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