look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There are leaves in my underwear?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
