My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
