Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
