we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
