I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
