Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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