Umm I'm too high to move.
so explain again why im purple
no
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
