Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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