Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
