True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
