evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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