sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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