somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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