i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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