Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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