His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
