Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
