Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
