just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
