Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
