Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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