I wish life had little blips of pornography
nutella sex= disaster
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
