So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
