shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
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Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now