I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.