Texts From Last Night

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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.

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  (404): Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that. http://tfl.nu/7nr6
  Replies (2) Good night (864) Bad night (502)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.

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  (520): i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off. http://tfl.nu/yt3u
  Replies (10) Good night (2795) Bad night (598)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.

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  (615): I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women. http://tfl.nu/xpcj
  Replies (8) Good night (3208) Bad night (1004)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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  (732): I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final. http://tfl.nu/j44u
  Replies (9) Good night (5471) Bad night (1028)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....

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  (832): Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all.... http://tfl.nu/501n
  Replies (3) Good night (1996) Bad night (863)
• Favorite

  (+82): View more from South Korea

  Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.

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  (+82): Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too. http://tfl.nu/v8p8
  Replies (6) Good night (2381) Bad night (1148)
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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  (562): Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas http://tfl.nu/zcne
  Replies (7) Good night (2903) Bad night (866)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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  (817): I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months" http://tfl.nu/023g
  Replies (5) Good night (2238) Bad night (911)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

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  (616): Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry. http://tfl.nu/rf2y
  Replies (7) Good night (1504) Bad night (589)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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  (360): What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is. http://tfl.nu/1m0s
  Replies (11) Good night (2232) Bad night (596)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.

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  (206): Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys. http://tfl.nu/t4sn
  Replies (6) Good night (1085) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork

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  (917): When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork http://tfl.nu/bkbb
  Replies (12) Good night (723) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  And vodka?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  And vodka.

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  (304): The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period. (1-304): And vodka? (304): And vodka. http://tfl.nu/b29x
  Replies (6) Good night (1469) Bad night (444)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

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  (248): They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients http://tfl.nu/50sw
  Replies (2) Good night (661) Bad night (264)
• Favorite

  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (3061) Bad night (463)

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