So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.