what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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