Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
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I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence