So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
